Lawsuit

People keep trying to steal my ideas. This guy claims that he designed the stormtrooper helmets. Ha! Everyone knows that the design came to me after I bashed my head on the statue that I made of myself in my garden.

Wonderful Me

I heard one of my underlings mention that the world is currently choosing a list of new wonders of the world because, apparently all the old ones were destroyed. Well, as long as we are making this list, I would like to humbly submit that I should be one of them. My massive creative brain created Star Wars, which will easily outlast any man-made construction like pyramids or temples. I truly believe that at the end of time, the last living human will die thinking of me.

HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray

So here at the Ranch, we've been getting loads of questions about which format we're going to support for Star Wars and Indy, and when we're going to be releasing the super-ultra-special-wicked-enhanced-Jar-Jar-centric editions of these monumental films.  And my answer is this.

This entire format war is just silliness if you ask me.  And I won't be a part of it.  That's why the boys down at ILM are working on the new HD-R2.  He projects full 3D images directly onto your cornea, and if you attempt to blink, or take your eyes off my masterpieces in any way, he zaps you with his little static discharge thingy (static discharge thingy is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm.)

The best thing is, if you want to watch a different movie, we're developing our own storage format.  We've bypassed the traditional optical storage mediums (plastic discs for the unwashed masses) and even digital downloads, and moved on to the next quantum leap forward in storage technology.  Fruitcake.  That's right, a couple of our researchers have determined that the highest density substance on earth, and the one that can contain the greatest amount of information (stored in quantum nut form of course,) is nothing other than that delicious holiday treat.

We're working on a deal right now with Best Buy and FYE to get a dedicated Fruitcake aisle in store for Christmas 2008.  So go ahead and let your adoration flow, because, and you heard it here first, I, George Lucas, have solved the format war.

Now we just need to keep Jar Jar away from the fruitcake encoding machines, he thinks Temple of Doom is extra delicious.

Avatar Hero

In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, annoying hack James Cameron's next film, Avatar, has been delayed six months with a scheduled release in December of 2009.  The main reason this isn't surprising of course is that he's making a movie that happens in space, which as we all know, I invented.  

So of course it's going to take him some extra time to work out the intellectual property rights with my minions over at Lucas Licensing.  Additionally, it's just harder to tell stories in space when you're not a super-genius like me.

Jar Jar dropped by WETA the other day to see how work's coming, and he told me the funniest stories.  Apparently, they think they're as good as ILM.  The boys are working on an anti-Kiwi death ray as we speak.

P.S.  Why is James Cameron trying to look like my good friend (and underling) Steve Jobs?  Everybody knows the cool kids wear flannel, black turtlenecks are for weenies (sorry Steve, you know it's true.)

The Prettiest of All

I think that of all the fishes in the sea, my favorite is the sturgeon. If I could make a puppet of one that had Jar Jar's voice, I would marry it.

Youtube Debate

I recently watched the Republican Youtube debate on my television. One of the questions was about space travel and a possible Mars expedition. I was really upset that none of the candidates mentioned the fact that I invented space in 1977. How could they forget?! My original idea was for space to be populated with fun, wacky creatures, but we didn't have the budget for it at the time. Don't worry, soon I'll release a Special Edition of Space where we'll finally get to see Dennis Kucinich's home planet.

Only the Tip of the Iceberg, People.

One of my lackeys released the information before I was ready to reveal my splendor to the world, but there will be aliens in Indiana Jones 4. I'm letting my assistant, Steven Spielberg use his puppets from Close Encounters of the Third Kind in a cameo. It's the only way he'll let me release a special edition of the movie where Jar Jar accompanies Indy on is adventures. They'll escape giant bugs and hunt down Nazi aliens. All of these scenes have been shot. Basically all we need to do is digitally insert Jar Jar into every scene along with some subliminal imagery of me wearing a crown.