Across the Universe

I saw this movie last weekend. I'd just like to say that I am bitterly disappointed. If I go to see a movie that has the word "Universe" in the title, I'd better see at least one space ship in there. This movie had no space ships. Or aliens. I think that I pretty much established that "Across the Universe" means the same thing as; "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away." They stole my idea and then didn't have the decency to exploit me in the right way by putting space ships in the film.

Yaddle

I think that the Star Wars character that is hands down my absolute favorite is Yaddle. I know that most of you were thinking that I'd say Jar Jar, but it's definitely Yaddle. Jar Jar is like the son I never had, but Yaddle is like the mysterious woman who once stole my heart while I was on a trip to India. I love her.

Sean Connery

Many of you are probably asking why Sean Connery is not in the latest Indiana Jones film. I'm going to tell you why right now. When he first came on set, I noticed that he looked old and bald. I don't want that sort of thing in my movie, so I called up my friends at the Jim Henson Company and had them craft a Muppet Sean Connery to play his role in the film. The voice would be provided by famed tv star Jaleel White of Family Matters. (He does a wonderful Connery impression.) Sadly, this amazing piece of puppet genius was destroyed in a rainstorm. So we decided to cut the Connery character from the film entirely. I still have the destroyed Muppet. I keep it in my kitchen to remind me that we are all mortal.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

So the word is out.  The greatest movie to hit the silver screen in 2008 is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  This of course refers to some real-life mythology about some crystal skulls that are buried around the world and Dr. Jones finds 'em, yada yada yada.  The important thing is, and I'm completely serious about this.  I created that mythology.

That's right, using some time-traveling technology that the ILM boys whipped up (c'mon they invented Photoshop like 19 years ago, what do you think they've been doing in the meantime?)  I traveled all over the globe planting these 13 skulls.  

Actually, I only planted 9 of them, Jar Jar kept dropping them.  3 broke, and one of them landed in a giant pile of poodoo.  Don't worry, I belted him soundly in the snout with my trusty ForceFX lightsaber.

Why ILM can build a fully-functional time machine, and not get me an actual working lightsaber, I'll never understand.  Gotta get the boys on that.

Memoirs of a Geisha

So, I watched this movie last night as I was resting in my creativity pod at the Skywalker Ranch. I was very upset to see that the Geisha had stolen all of my costume designs for Queen Amidala. I can only imagine that Time Travelers, knowing of my wrath and power in this age went back in time to give my creative leavings to these thieving women. George Lucas is upset.

Marvelous Me

I'm The Best Director That There Is

Here's a tiny picture of me that I found on the internet. Look how professional I am! Just imagine me saying to my actors, "You there, remember, you're talking to an 8-foot talking clothes hamper. And for God's sake, be more wooden!" Ah, I love me.