Avatar Hero

In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, annoying hack James Cameron's next film, Avatar, has been delayed six months with a scheduled release in December of 2009.  The main reason this isn't surprising of course is that he's making a movie that happens in space, which as we all know, I invented.  

So of course it's going to take him some extra time to work out the intellectual property rights with my minions over at Lucas Licensing.  Additionally, it's just harder to tell stories in space when you're not a super-genius like me.

Jar Jar dropped by WETA the other day to see how work's coming, and he told me the funniest stories.  Apparently, they think they're as good as ILM.  The boys are working on an anti-Kiwi death ray as we speak.

P.S.  Why is James Cameron trying to look like my good friend (and underling) Steve Jobs?  Everybody knows the cool kids wear flannel, black turtlenecks are for weenies (sorry Steve, you know it's true.)

The Prettiest of All

I think that of all the fishes in the sea, my favorite is the sturgeon. If I could make a puppet of one that had Jar Jar's voice, I would marry it.

Youtube Debate

I recently watched the Republican Youtube debate on my television. One of the questions was about space travel and a possible Mars expedition. I was really upset that none of the candidates mentioned the fact that I invented space in 1977. How could they forget?! My original idea was for space to be populated with fun, wacky creatures, but we didn't have the budget for it at the time. Don't worry, soon I'll release a Special Edition of Space where we'll finally get to see Dennis Kucinich's home planet.

Only the Tip of the Iceberg, People.

One of my lackeys released the information before I was ready to reveal my splendor to the world, but there will be aliens in Indiana Jones 4. I'm letting my assistant, Steven Spielberg use his puppets from Close Encounters of the Third Kind in a cameo. It's the only way he'll let me release a special edition of the movie where Jar Jar accompanies Indy on is adventures. They'll escape giant bugs and hunt down Nazi aliens. All of these scenes have been shot. Basically all we need to do is digitally insert Jar Jar into every scene along with some subliminal imagery of me wearing a crown.

Hollywood Writer's Strike

I'm confused by this talk of writers on strike. I thought that I had made Hollywood writers obsolete when I made the Star Wars prequels. My digital characters were so compelling that they didn't need good dialog. Anything that they said would be instantly captivating. That's why no one wrote anything for the prequels. That's why they are the best movies that there ever could be.

NEXT

I saw this movie last night. Nobody told me that they made a movie about me! I've always been able to see two minutes into the future. That's how I knew that Jar Jar would be the cultural phenomenon that he is. Luckily they cast Nick Cage as me. He has a lot of flannel and beard potential. I also knew that if I ate bacon this morning, I would be happy. My mind is the best thing that there ever could be. Even better than bacon. Or ham.

Um... I don't look like this guy.

I don't!  I'm handsome!  He's a four-armed short-order chef!  We're not even distantly related, except that, in a way, he's my son.  And I love him.

I am a handsome fellow.

Many people ask me, 'George, how do you maintain your youthful good-looks when you're so busy running a media empire, and disappointing fans?'

This is what I tell them:

The Force keeps me youthful.  And I've never heard a single complaint about disappointed fans.  I wonder if Rick has been keeping information from me again.  Crap, I'll have to feed another one of his fingers to the womprats at Skywalker Ranch.

I'm Confused

I don't remember ever being in Japan.

Across the Universe

I saw this movie last weekend. I'd just like to say that I am bitterly disappointed. If I go to see a movie that has the word "Universe" in the title, I'd better see at least one space ship in there. This movie had no space ships. Or aliens. I think that I pretty much established that "Across the Universe" means the same thing as; "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away." They stole my idea and then didn't have the decency to exploit me in the right way by putting space ships in the film.

Yaddle

I think that the Star Wars character that is hands down my absolute favorite is Yaddle. I know that most of you were thinking that I'd say Jar Jar, but it's definitely Yaddle. Jar Jar is like the son I never had, but Yaddle is like the mysterious woman who once stole my heart while I was on a trip to India. I love her.

Sean Connery

Many of you are probably asking why Sean Connery is not in the latest Indiana Jones film. I'm going to tell you why right now. When he first came on set, I noticed that he looked old and bald. I don't want that sort of thing in my movie, so I called up my friends at the Jim Henson Company and had them craft a Muppet Sean Connery to play his role in the film. The voice would be provided by famed tv star Jaleel White of Family Matters. (He does a wonderful Connery impression.) Sadly, this amazing piece of puppet genius was destroyed in a rainstorm. So we decided to cut the Connery character from the film entirely. I still have the destroyed Muppet. I keep it in my kitchen to remind me that we are all mortal.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

So the word is out.  The greatest movie to hit the silver screen in 2008 is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  This of course refers to some real-life mythology about some crystal skulls that are buried around the world and Dr. Jones finds 'em, yada yada yada.  The important thing is, and I'm completely serious about this.  I created that mythology.

That's right, using some time-traveling technology that the ILM boys whipped up (c'mon they invented Photoshop like 19 years ago, what do you think they've been doing in the meantime?)  I traveled all over the globe planting these 13 skulls.  

Actually, I only planted 9 of them, Jar Jar kept dropping them.  3 broke, and one of them landed in a giant pile of poodoo.  Don't worry, I belted him soundly in the snout with my trusty ForceFX lightsaber.

Why ILM can build a fully-functional time machine, and not get me an actual working lightsaber, I'll never understand.  Gotta get the boys on that.

Memoirs of a Geisha

So, I watched this movie last night as I was resting in my creativity pod at the Skywalker Ranch. I was very upset to see that the Geisha had stolen all of my costume designs for Queen Amidala. I can only imagine that Time Travelers, knowing of my wrath and power in this age went back in time to give my creative leavings to these thieving women. George Lucas is upset.

Marvelous Me

I'm The Best Director That There Is

Here's a tiny picture of me that I found on the internet. Look how professional I am! Just imagine me saying to my actors, "You there, remember, you're talking to an 8-foot talking clothes hamper. And for God's sake, be more wooden!" Ah, I love me.

The Simpsons Movie

This movie really completes my dream of a movie where I didn't have to deal with locations, actors, or props. It was simply pure effects work at its finest. The 3D Homer that we created is perhaps the finest piece of art created in this universe. I love me.

Ryan vs. Dorkman

Now, I was just surfing the internet the other day, (the internet is a total ripoff of Star Wars) and I found a website, ryanvsdorkman.com.

I feel that there are no finer independent filmmakers out there, save myself, than those that contribute to the vibrant Star Wars Fanfilm community. I was just talking to Rick (McCallum) about how we could possibly exploi... er, encourage these guys to make Star Wars even more successful than it already is, and we've agreed, we're going to hire them to write for the Star Wars TV show.

You see, the best part about RvD is the writing, not the special effects, or even the performances, but the way Ryan and Dorkman just boiled everything down to that epic, true, good vs evil one-ness. I've heard people on the internet snickering about how their dialogue is better than anything I've written in years, and I'd be offended if that weren't so blatantly false. Everybody (but the Academy, damn them,) knows I write the best, most true-to-life dialogue out there. Especially when I'm writing romance.

Anyway, check out RvD, and then tell me that your life wasn't changed. Then go buy some officially licensed plastic lightsabers.

Stardust

Now, I know it's going to sound like sour grapes, since the movie has gotten better reviews than any of my prequels, but the fact is, Stardust is a complete rip-off of Star Wars.

You see, they both start with the word star, also, I originally wanted to cast Claire Danes as Jar Jar Binks. But then Dennis told me we could make Jar Jar digitally, and since that's always a better idea, I chucked Claire.

Don't get me wrong, there were some great parts in Stardust, I really liked some of the digital landscapes, and even though it was my idea first, having a floating pirate ship that harvests lightning hasn't ever been implemented this well. I guess the acting was pretty good, if you're into that sort of thing. And apparently, people seem to like the dialogue and the characters, though I prefer my characters to be much more flat so that you can really appreciate the majesty of the digital things I've created.

Oh well, it's worth a watch if you're starved for entertainment.